Yes, our bachelor Blake (nice smile, gorgeous voice, but slightly robotic) has been dating a plethora of blondes and brunettes in various stages of botox and fake tan for the past 10 weeks. I admit, I had been completely sucked in, especially watching "dirty street pie Laurina' (conclusive proof that beauty and brains cannot co-exist in the same body!)
Anyway our dashing bachelor finally narrowed his choice down to Sam and Lisa and told them BOTH how beautiful, endearing, loyal, loving, warm, kind etc etc etc they BOTH were. How he could not imagine his life without BOTH of them in it. I think perhaps at times young Blake thought he was auditioning for a harem and not a wife! His mum and aunt were also rolled in to check out the finalists but seemed unable to find any real differences between the girls.
Blake finally shared his long awaited decision with Lisa, Sam and the rest of Australia. He stared deeply into Sam's eyes. Told her he had 'never been surer of anything in his whole life'. He loved her, he adored her, he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her and then .............. very traditionally, on one knee, he proposed and offered a stunning diamond ring.
She said yes. They laughed, they cried, they kissed. We all went "awwwww" and looked on fondly (except for the people who were barracking for Lisa!). as they walked off into the South African sunset and to live happily ever after.
BUT NO ...... today we learned that the whole romance lasted three weeks!!!! I have had sliced ham that stayed fresh in Tupperware longer than that!!!
So what went wrong?
If you are as good looking as Blake and the majority of the ladies, and have not been snapped up already, I suggest there may be some serious flaws lurking under the surface. Either that or the family from hell!
In real life, how many women would happily share a house with a whole bunch of other women, much less share the same bloke? "Sure, you go out with him tonight, I'll wait my turn until tomorrow'. What are they .... Mormons???
The biggest problem is totally unrealistic, reality television. Living in a HUGE mansion, dates that include hot air balloons, helicopters, luxury yachts, safari in St Africa, private islands, presidential suites, choirs appearing out of nowhere to serenade and a freaking winter wonderland ....... OH PLEASE!!
Any wonder the minute Blake and Sam went back to normal lives, working for a living, facing traffic, supermarkets and the general drudgery of life, the whole thing fell to bits. (This is not to discount the theories that Blake really had no interests in a long term relationship, or that Lisa is pregnant with his child, or that Blake is gay etc etc)!!
So in the interests of a less-deflating end for the next series, I offer the following suggestions:
No more rarefied unrealistic dates. Instead, how about:
- A trip to Bunnings or the local recycling centre.
- The loving couple must put together flat pack furniture.
- Complete the fortnightly supermarket shopping (with a strict budget)
- Take Nana out for a nice early dinner.
- Complete a list of shopping on Christmas Eve (again with a budget)
- Spend a sexy weekend caring for one of those reality baby dolls that cry.
- Care for your potential partner through food poisoning or the flu
- Clean the bathroom together
- Work together though Habitats for Humanity in a third world country.
Group dates should also be more like real life. The group does not consist of the female candidates vying for the bloke. Instead it's our main man and a group of his mates.
If you really want to test a girl's mettle try:
- Take her to the local footy so she can cook sausages for the group (all his drunken mates)
- Join his friends at the local cricket match (yawn)
- A romantic late night at the local drag racing
- A grand final party (the lucky girl gets to be 'beer bitch' for the day)
- Invite her around the morning after a 'boy's night' to clean up.
No more impractical, extravagant gifts of gowns and jewellery.
Instead try:
- A soda stream
- A deep fryer
- A voucher of any kind
- Anything bought last minute at the petrol station
And finally, no more roses (or rose ceremonies)
Our 2015 Bachelor stands before his group of lovelies and says,
'Sam (Lisa, Louise, Laurina or whoever) will you accept my washing?'
If, after all this, the new Bachelor and his chosen lady love still want to be together, then good luck to them.
They probably have about as much chance as the rest of us!
