So the Queen has opened the Commonwealth Games. Watching the big event this evening it started me thinking about the advantages of being the Queen.
It would be pretty cool to be guaranteed the best seats at anything you went to. No sitting with your finger poised over the Ticketmaster website waiting for
pre-sales to start. Great theatre shows, sporting events and popular concerts ... no worries - seats front and centre (even better, in one of those really cool boxes with the great views)
BUT you would probably have to sit through some pretty crummy variety concerts including ventriloquists and magicians. Hard to catch a few zzz's to pass the time when everyone is looking at you!
Your car would drop you off as close as possible to everything. No fighting through crowds, standing in queues or pushing through turnstiles.
BUT you would totally miss the excited atmosphere before and after fabulous entertainment. Also, if you are like me, the most exercise I get is walking somewhere from the nearest car park. I probably can't afford to miss any further exercise!
You could request anything you want to eat or drink and it would appear before you. Pate, foi gras or a yummy loin chop? No problems Your Majesty. Passionfruit sponge or gold leaf covered chocolate? On its way ma'am.
BUT what if you had to attend a banquet and all you felt like was a poached egg on toast? Tough luck Your Majesty. You will eat the dried out chicken breast and you will look like you love it. Feel like seafood? Sorry ma'am, but we can't risk food poisoning. Missing also, would be the sense of achievement of mastering a new recipe or cuisine. The joy of experimenting and making something people really enjoy eating.
Having your own gold throne. How cool would you feel perched up there, magnificent jewelled crown on your head. Sceptre in hand. Pride of place (off with their heads!!!)
BUT I'm not really sure how comfortable thrones are, especially after four hours of the Opening of Parliament. I believe crowns aren't all they are cracked up to be. Cumbersome, heavy and hard on the neck. Hard to slouch and get comfy in a crown, much less a throne.
Travelling to the most amazing places in the world, in your own plane.
No worries about boarding passes, annoying people sitting next to you, dodgy headsets and no leg room for starters. Seeing the very best of every country you visit. Being welcomed and feted (and even being presented with gifts)
BUT you can't just wander through the airport and catch a cab to the hotel. You have to do the obligatory 'meet and greet' where small children, who have no idea who you are, thrust mangled bunches of flowers at you. You smile, look grateful, say something nice, pass them on the the nearest lackey .... and do it all again and again and again! Then you are stuck with a minute by minute timetable. If you are having a good time, tough luck, you are expected at the next appointment, now!! You have to make nice with a whole bunch of politicians who are using you as a photo opportunity. You have to know something about everyone so you can make polite conversation when you really don't give a damn about any of them.
You never have to go clothes shopping (or any kind of shopping actually). If you need a new dress, jacket, skirt or whatever, you have the finest designers, couturiers and milliners at your service. They even come to you and everything you wear fits perfectly, because it is made for you. You don't have to worry about what everyone else is wearing, because they are all worrying about wearing the correct thing for you!
BUT apart from brief private moments you have to wear what is almost your uniform. Bright colours. Ladylike dresses with matching coats. A vast array of hats of all size, shape and colour. You have to don long gowns, evening bags and sensible shoes. No schlepping around in trackies and uggs. No nicking to the shops with no bra on (and having to chat to people with your arms crossed so they don't notice!)
The jewels. Oh the jewels! Gold, silver, platinum. Diamonds, emerald, sapphires the size of duck eggs! The tiaras, necklaces, bracelets, earrings and brooches. It's like you are allowed to wear Aladdin's treasures all over your body. You have so many that you can lend out heaps to family members and never really miss them. If you are having a bad day or feeling tired, there would be nothing like a giant sparkly diamond to ease the pain.
BUT the vast majority of the jewels are not actually owned by you. Sure you may have a few personal pieces given to you by the hubby etc, but the really good stuff is not yours to pawn. You also have to wear some pretty questionable pieces on your 'holidays' cause you are staying with the people who gave them to you (think ugly wattle and fern leaf brooches - thanks Australia and New Zealand). People like to see you using their gifts.
The palaces. Yes, if you are the Queen you get to live in a palace (who would have thought). In fact you also have several castles at your disposal. You do not have to clean these residences .... no, not ever.
BUT you do have to have lots and lots of servants. They are always there. Always. You are never really alone. You can't run around in the nude or wrapped in a towel. You can't sit on your gold throne in your jammies. And again ... you don't really own the palaces and castles. They come with the job.
The parties. You have lots of very grand parties. You can have a party pretty much when you want to. You don't have to worry if the sausage rolls get burnt or whether you have run out of dip. You don't even have to try and work out how much grog to buy (you just get the nearest servant person to go to the cellar and get some more). Best part ... you never have to hose away the vomit and pick up the cigarette butts from the flower beds.
BUT you rarely get to decide who comes to the party. They are usually a whole bunch of stuffed shirts and c-grade celebrities who get the chance to don their best gear. Again you have to spend the whole night 'making nice' with people you would never chose to speak to and you can never, never relax and get totally pissed on cheap champagne.
The family. Well, you do get to have a pretty fair say in who gets to marry into your family. If there is someone you wish hadn't marry into the family you can banish them to a small cottage on the grounds of a distant castle and never refer to them again. If your spouse snores you can also banish him to another room/wing/palace/castle. You just say 'we are not amused' and you can choose to sleep alone (you can also decide to bring him back occasionally if you choose). No-one would turn a hair. It's quite a proper royal thing to do to have separate quarters. If you have really cute grandkids or great grandkids ... the whole world admires them too.
BUT the entire world has an extraordinary interest in every moment of your entire family. If your 20-something grandson some does a nudie run ... the whole world knows. If your least favourite daughter-in-law turns out to be a toesucker ... the whole world knows. If your eldest son has a fetish about being reborn as a feminine hygiene product ... the whole world knows and believe me .... they remember!!!
There are so many pros and cons.
Sure there are some great benefits to being the Queen but would I give up my privacy, my pots and pans, my cute little cottage and my trackies and uggs .... no sorry Elizabeth .... it's all yours.
